So, this trip isn't exactly playing out as I was expecting. Given, I didn't have that many expectations to begin with because it was all so vague of what we were actually going to be doing here. But I expected it to be easier, since like, I was already in love with Romania and gypsies before I got here. I thought that I was ready for this trip, until about the day before I left. Then I realized just how absolutely unprepared I was. I don't like being unprepared. At all. I like being in control of situations and sure in my abilities. But I wasn't, well, I'm not.
As we flew over Romania, and the descent began so that the land beneath us was no longer obscured by towers of clouds, but Romanian hills were beneath us, I legitimately freaked out. The realization that I was actually here after nine months was scary. I wasn't ready to land, I just wanted to keep on flying.
God's at work in this, though. I alone do not possess the strength to be here and do the things I'm doing. By the second day we were here, my heart hurt from aching. It was raw. My weakness is forcing me to rely on Him and my amazing brothers and sisters in Christ. I have to trust that the Lord will not ask anything of me that He will also not provide the strength to accomplish. I have to trust my team to lead and encourage me. The questions that our leaders ask us and the situations they put us in make us vulnerable. Personally, this whole trip is stripping me – but in a good way. As a daughter of Christ, I am His beloved; He and my team will love me even when I admit to not being OK and owning up to lacking the strength I need.
I don't feel like I'm a missionary here. I'm not leading people to Christ, and honestly, I doubt I will. I'm not doing things here, but God is.
"A person may plan his own journey, but the Lord directs his steps."
Proverbs 16:9
